From the Rev

Dear Friends,

I don’t usually do this but I received so many responses from folks about this past Wednesday’s ‘from the rev’ regarding my journey with my father’s final days and how it brought back many of your own memories. I was especially amazed at how many of our fathers used ‘Old Spice’ after shave lotion!

Every morning I receive an email blog with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Frederick Buechner (pronounced ‘beek-ner’). Today’s quote about memory seemed appropriate after what I shared this past Wednesday and thought it might be meaningful to you:

I am inclined to believe that God’s chief purpose in giving us memory is to enable us to go back in time so that if we didn’t play those roles right the first time round, we can still have another go at it now. We cannot undo our old mistakes or their consequences any more than we can erase old wounds that we have both suffered and inflicted, but through the power that memory gives us of thinking, feeling, imagining our way back through time we can at long last finally finish with the past in the sense of removing its power to hurt us and other people and to stunt our growth as human beings.

The sad things that happened long ago will always remain part of who we are just as the glad and gracious things will too, but instead of being a burden of guilt, recrimination, and regret that make us constantly stumble as we go, even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead. It is through memory that we are able to reclaim much of our lives that we have long since written off by finding that in everything that has happened to us over the years God was offering us possibilities of new life and healing which, though we may have missed them at the time, we can still choose and be brought to life by and healed by all these years later.
– Originally published in Telling Secrets

I hope you have a wonderful day. Remember we’re making memories every day…let’s make them good ones!

You are loved,
Wayne

Dear Friends,

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Dad recently. He died 17 years ago. He would have celebrated his 94th Birthday this past Thanksgiving. I was trying to get some organization to my office last week (again!) and came across a series of “From the Rev’s” I had written the last ten days of Dad’s life. He had Alzheimer’s the last three years of his life and did not recognize me for the last year. I’m not sure why, but as I read over this journal I thought it might be helpful to one or two of you out there in email land…or maybe it’s just me going down memory lane…but whatever the case, I’m the one writing this email so here it is.

This particular entry is from July 31, 1997. We had removed a feeding tube from Dad six days earlier (something we knew he did NOT want!):

Good Friends,

It’s 10:30 PM on Thursday night. I’ve just returned from seeing Dad once again. I can’t believe he’s still hanging on. Tomorrow, it will be a full week since we removed the feeding tube. I find it helpful to sit at this computer and write to you. Thank you for ‘listening’.

I’m finding it interesting the memories that are brought back through our senses…through a song we hear played…through the delicious taste of a cherry coke. This morning it was through a smell. I gave Dad a good shave, massaged his face with some lotion…but something was still missing. All of a sudden I remembered “Old Spice”, the after shave cologne that Dad used to splash on every morning and evening after he shaved. On a whim, I left the nursing home and went around the corner to the Walgreen’s store to see if they still sold the stuff, and sure enough, there it was in the same cream colored bottle Dad always kept on his dresser. They not only had it, but it was no sale! For $4.99 you got a small bottle of the cologne and a free bottle of the after shave! Dad would have been proud of me, being the penny-pincher that he was. (I would never THINK of telling him I paid $45 for something called “Obsession”!)

I returned to the nursing home and splashed some of the cologne on Dad’s face and neck. I could swear he smiled when I intentionally placed some under his nose! When I left, I carried the smell of “Old Spice” on my hands throughout the day, and memories flooded my mind every time I got a whiff of it.

Tonight his eyes were open and his breathing was quieter. I softly sang a few old hymns to him: “In the Garden”; “Others”; “I Would Be True”; “The Old Rugged Cross”….all hymns from the old Cokesbury hymnbooks we used to use at the Sunday night services at Grace UMC in Miami. At one point, he lifted his hands up, almost like he was directing…then he intertwined his fingers as if in prayer.

I confess I don’t understand how or why Dad is hanging on. I’ve prayed for his release. I’ve said good-bye every time I’ve left. I’ve asked for his forgiveness for the ways I have been less than a good son at times, and forgiven him for being less than a good father at times. I’ve given him ‘permission’ to ‘go home’. There are so many things that I don’t understand in this world, mysteries that I cannot fathom, questions I want answered. Dad, do you understand what’s going on right now? It WAS your wish not to live like this, wasn’t it? What are you thinking, hearing, seeing, feeling?

In my heart I believe he can hear me, whatever state of mind he is in…and so I will continue to talk to him, read to him, sing to him. In my heart I believe he knows that I am there. I don’t know what else to do.

I’m realizing through these days of ‘letting go’ that I loved my Dad in ways I am now only starting to acknowledge. Thank you, Dad. Thank you for the piece of your life which you gave to me. It is in my bones, and helps me, even now, to stand up and walk taller.

And thank YOU, good friends, for letting me grieve on your shoulders through these email ramblings.

You are loved,

Wayne

Dear Friends,

I was talking with a young couple whose wedding I am officiating at in February. We were talking about commitment…to each other, to their marriage, to God, to their future. We talked about how important it is to be intentional about their life together, setting their goals for the future and what they want their marriage to look like five, ten, thirty years from now.

In Stephen Covey’s book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he says that one of the first habits we need to learn is to “begin with the end in mind.” Someone once said, “More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.” If I want something to happen in the future, then I better start working on it right now. If the couple I was talking to want to buy a home five years from now, they better start saving now. If they want their marriage to be strong and lasting, they better start now and commit themselves to doing those things every day that will keep it alive and growing.

The nature of commitment is in staying the course, going the distance, failing and getting up again, continuing forward. The question is: What are you committed to? Sometimes I think we mistakenly commit ourselves to the outcome without committing ourselves first to the process. For example, I know a gentleman who has talked for years about a book he is going to write. It’s going to be a best seller and make him a lot of money. But he hasn’t even written the first chapter! He’s committed to the outcome before being committed to the process. The process would be sitting down and putting something down on paper. That’s the commitment. Outcome is all about “getting there.” Process is all about “being here.”  But only by committing ourselves to the process can we arrive at the outcome.

So again I would ask, “What are you committed to?” A great start is to ask yourself, “What is the one thing that would upset me if, at the end of my life, I do not attempt, do, or complete?” As humans we often sit around thinking of what we are going to do, working out details in our mind and after years of thinking, well, we are still…thinking. Sometimes we just have to begin. Maybe we won’t hit a home run every time we get up to swing, but that’s the only way we can create the possibility of a run. Our commitment is to go through the process even though we may not get the perfect outcome every time. Sooner or later, we’re going to get the perfect ball, run past third base, and make the run. All because we got up to the plate and took hold of the bat.

That is commitment. That is what it takes to make something happen. We have to show up. In fact, our only job is to show up and continue showing up. Put one foot in front of the other and stay the course. Even if we don’t know if we’re doing it right; even if we don’t know if we’ll ever get there; even if we don’t know where it will lead.

The most important things is that we’re willing to find out.

If you want a good biblical example, look at the Apostle Paul. He certainly didn’t have an easy go of it but he was committed to the process of doing what he believed God wanted him to do and in the end, at the outcome, he was able to say: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award me on that day.”

Now, why don’t you commit yourself to having an absolutely wonderful, fulfilling and beautiful day!?

You are loved,

Wayne

 

Dear Friends,

I’m quite sure I’m not alone with a heavy heart this week:

…a senseless attack on campus, three students injured, one paralyzed from the waist down, and a young, mentally ill man dead.

…a young Deputy Sheriff killed in the line of duty, another one injured.

…violence, looting, torched businesses, police car windows shattered, tears and anguish on both sides, in Ferguson, Missouri.

…the barbaric beheading of a young man by ISIS.

And then there are the things we are personally dealing with: the death of a loved one, being laid off from a job, a scary cancer prognosis…I’m sure you can name your own.

And tomorrow is Thanksgiving! Thankfulness? Seriously? Oh, I know I can say all the right “spiritual” things in such circumstances, all the right clichés. It’s harder to be thankful when you’re IN the circumstance, isn’t it? There is a shroud of grief and disbelief around me, but I know that there is something powerfully transformative in this space. Rather than destroying my gratitude, this period is rekindling it in an even deeper way.

Our “ideal” picture-perfect Thanksgiving shows a table overladen with food in a very nicely decorated room, with a joyous family gathered around. It is a happy picture. Yet this beautiful feast is steeped in dark times.

The iconic picture we have for that first Thanksgiving feast is the Plymouth pilgrims sharing a meal with the Wampanoag Indians. Yet, this feast happened after half of their party had succumbed to starvation and disease. Life was not easy for them. Death had been all too present, but a harvest gave them hope for the future. And so they feasted-and gave thanks.

Skip ahead to 1863, and the United States is not so united after all, but waging a bloody war which amounted to more being killed than in any other American war. Family members were fighting each other on opposite sides of the conflict, primitive doctoring probably killed more people than they saved, and there was hardly a family that had not known deep loss and sorrow because of the war. It was hard to see the light of hope during those very dark years.

It was into those dark days that Abraham Lincoln made the Thanksgiving Proclamation. In it, the president pointed out what they did have to be thankful for… peace with other countries during a time of turmoil within, a harvest uninterrupted from the war, and an abundance from mines. He also called for repentance for personal sins, as well as prayers for those widowed and orphaned among them. This is where our national holiday began. It started in some of the darkest days of our country’s history.

The point is this: many are facing hard times in many different ways. Yet, it is in dark days that our souls probably need a day to sit back and count the things we do have to be thankful for. When we are most discouraged, we need the most encouragement. Too often our sorrows overshadow our blessings in our mind. There is always going to be death, sickness, lack of money, sorrow, worry, and pain while we are on this earth. Some are living through especially difficult circumstances. But let tomorrow not be a day of trouble and inconveniences, but rather a day to count our blessings, as few or as many as they may be. In doing so, we follow the example of those who also chose to give thanks during very difficult times.

I believe that thankfulness during hard times is so important because it helps give hope for the future. When you can find nothing to be thankful for, then what is there to live for? Meister Eckhart, a well-known mystic, believed that thanking God was the most important prayer. Prophets and monks know that gratitude brings you closer to God. Even if you’re not religious, gratitude enables you to see your life in a larger context beyond your immediate troubles. Gratitude shifts your perspective from depression, anger, envy or self-pity to happiness. It can open your heart to joy and generosity, because you begin to feel you are blessed

Gratefulness comes more easily to some than others. When you’re discouraged or weighed down with negative thoughts, let me suggest a few things you can do to develop an attitude of gratitude:

1. Count your blessings. Listing the things for which you’re grateful can generate feelings of appreciation and gratitude. Write them down daily. Start with small things: seeing a child smile, receiving a compliment from a co-worker, accomplishing something on your ‘to do’ list,

2. Throughout the day, thank others for their help, especially people you don’t ordinarily thank like the cashier, mail man or garbage man.

3.  Compliment others. Giving compliments shows appreciation and lifts others’ mood as well as yours. I believe everyone we meet has four letters emblazoned on their forehead..M.M.F.I…Make Me Feel Important!

4.  Write unexpected thank you notes. Writing your appreciation prompts warm feelings that engender gratitude.

5.  Do random acts of kindness. Give someone your place in line, help someone pay for a purchase, or take some flowers to a friend or neighbor who needs a lift.

6.  Give others the benefit of the doubt…you never know what another person is going through.

Well I’ve rambled on long enough. Be grateful I’m done! In fact, write that down…it can start today’s gratitude list!

Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of love, laughter and gratitude!

You are loved,

Wayne

Dear Friends,

When you wake up this morning the mid-term elections will be over. Some of you will be ecstatic with the results. Some of you will be devastated. All of us will be glad it’s over…at least for the time being.

There is a good word for us today from my favorite author, Frederick Buechner. In his book “Beyond Words” he has this to say under the title “Politics”: (and in place of ‘presidency’ put in ‘governor’, ‘senator’, ‘representative’, etc.)

You can’t help wondering what would happen if a person running for the presidency decided to set politics in the flag-waving, tub-thumping, ax-grinding sense aside and to speak, instead, candidly, thoughtfully, truthfully out of his or her own heart.

Suppose a candidate were to stand up before the reporters and the TV cameras and the usual bank of microphones and say something like this:

“The responsibilities of this office are so staggering that anybody who doesn’t approach them with knees knocking is either a fool or a lunatic. The literal survival of civilization may depend on the decisions that either I or one of the other candidates make during the next four years. The general welfare and peace of mind of millions of people will certainly depend on them. I am only a human being. If I have my strengths, I also have my weaknesses. I can’t promise that I’ll always do the right thing for this country. I can only promise that it will always be this country rather than my own political fortunes that I’ll try to do the right thing for. I believe in this country at its best, but I also believe that we have made many tragic mistakes. I am willing to entertain the possibility that our assumptions about the Arabs, for example, may be as wrong as their assumptions about us, and my major objective, if elected, will be to explore that possibility with them at the highest level of government and in the most radical, searching, and unrelenting ways I can devise. I believe that the survival and well-being of the human race as a whole is more important that the partisan interests of any group, including both theirs and our own.”

There are many who would undoubtedly say that such a statement is naïve, dangerous, unrealistic, and un-American, and that anybody making it couldn’t get elected dogcatcher. I can’t help believing, however, that there are others who would find it such a note of sanity, honesty, and hope in the political quagmire that they would follow the person who made it to the ends of the earth.

I imagine every one of us has a friend with a different political slant than our own. Let us offer each other a bit of love and grace today no matter how we feel about yesterday’s outcome.

You are loved,
Wayne

Dear Friends,
Have you ever noticed your spouse’s new hairdo on Thursday only to be told that it’s been that way since Monday?
Have you ever noticed a new business on your way to work only to learn that it’s been there for weeks?
So often in the busy-ness of our daily routines we miss obvious changes. As we do what we always do, we tend to focus on things we always see and, as a result, think the way we always think. Even if you’re the most interesting person in the universe, your world will grow stale and dull if you lose sight of what’s right in front of you.
There’s a whole lot of change to notice and appreciate every day: New leaves on a tree. A new chill in the air. New neighbors. New solutions to problems. New energy in your office. New passion with your friends. New growth in your teenager. New perspectives on things that didn’t even change.

I’m reminded of this quote by psychiatrist, R.D. Laing:
“The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds”
Read that again. We get so used to seeing something we don’t even see it anymore. I guess my deep thought for the day concerns the importance of ‘observation’. Paying attention. And the only way I know to do this is to slow down.
Throughout our lives we are taught to value speed and getting things done quickly. We learn that doing is more valuable than merely being, and that making the most of life is a matter of forging ahead at a hurried pace. Yet as we push forward searching for some elusive sense of fulfillment, we find ourselves feeling increasingly disconnected and harried. More importantly, we fail to notice the simple beauty of living. When we learn to slow down, we rediscover the significance of seemingly inconsequential aspects of life. Mealtimes become celebrations of family time. A job well-done becomes a source of great pleasure, no matter what the nature of our work might be. In essence, we give ourselves the gift of time-time to indulge our curiosity, to enjoy the moment, to appreciate everyday wonders, to sit and think, to connect with others, and to explore our inner lives more fully.
So I encourage you to slow down in your own way. Open your eyes just a little wider…you may notice a new layer of beauty in a routine that stays the same. There’s no telling how many miracles are unfolding under our noses that we’re just too busy, too self-absorbed, too unaware to notice. The world is made what it is each day in part by countless tiny, almost unnoticeable things. When we practice greeting the day with new eyes, we begin to tune into new, wonderful things happening all around us.
Most of you know that one of my hobbies is photography. When I have my camera, I’m always looking for the next shot. It helps me notice the little things that I might not have noticed if I weren’t looking. My camera is a reminder of the fact that there is more to see, if I’ll stop to see it.
Today, when you’re at your desk or the kitchen table or sitting at a traffic light, look around. Then close your eyes for a few moments. Then open them and notice what you didn’t see before. Who knows?….there just might be a tiny miracle unfolding under your nose.
You are loved,
Wayne

Dear Friends,

As I’m writing this email a tornado watch has just ended, it’s lightning, thundering, and pouring rain outside. It looks like it’s never going to stop.

I’m guessing that as you read this email the sun is shining outside and it is a beautiful, cool fall day outside (if you live in Tallahassee!).

That is so much like life, isn’t it? When you’re in the midst of a storm in your life you sometimes wonder if the sun will ever shine for you again. We have a dear, dear friend who is going through that experience right now. It’s so difficult to see or even remotely believe that beyond the clouds there is sunshine on the other side. And no words that we or anyone else can say can help. In fact, I’m sure that much of what we try to say sounds trite and cliché-ish. Right now about all we can do is sit with her in the storm and let her know she’s not alone and we are here for her to lean on as she walks through the storm.

I’m reminded that the psalmist said ‘even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death’…the operative word being ‘through’. We love our friend so much and just want to be there for her as she goes through this valley in her own way and in her own time.

I suspect you may have a friend who is going through a storm. I invite you to join me in singing the wonderful song by Bill Withers: “Lean on Me”, and let it be our prayer for our friends this day:

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have faith you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

You just call on me brother (sister), when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on.

If there is a load you have to bear that you can’t carry
I’m just right up the road, I’ll share your load
If you just call me
If you ever need a friend
Just call me

You are loved,
Wayne